Beauty

Dubai, June 2010

Somewhere in France, June 2010

Dubai, June 2010

Dijon, June 2010

Somewhere in France where we randomly stopped and, dead tired,fell asleep on the field with cigarettes, letting the music chorus from all the 3 cars. June 2010

I Wasn't Meant To Grow Up, It Just Happened

Dubai, June 2010

Yesterday I was literally on top of the world.

But what I really want today, is a bottle of champagne at night, careless whispers of the waves, blinding stars, and my soul back. That's all I want.

Aliens

There is nothing much to say. Let me simply introduce my childhood addiction, my complete and utter opposite, my insistent drug dealer, my loony, my half, my worst relation and my best friend - Alisa.

Our ranch in Texas... Don't ask.

Looking through our pictures together.

"Oh my goodness, what the HELL is wrong with my face ??"

Pause.

"...It's me."

Making brownies together. As soon as I get them out of the oven, she tries to steal one off, and I hit her with a scoop. She starts to whine and sigh wistfully every 3 seconds.

"I am sorry mamaaaa, I never meant to heart yooouuu, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight..."

"I'm eating your brownies in my closet."

Her mom calling her late at night.

"Mom ? What's up ?"

"I wasn't dialing YOU, why are you picking up ?"

"Oh, sorry."

"She's saying she can't come to your party tomorrow. She's really sorry about it."

"Oh, that's such a shame. It would be nice to hang out with someone adequate."

She pulls my ponytail.

"What's up ?"

"Nothing, it just hangs in a funny way."

She peels the kiwis, I cut them.

"Hey, can you wash them as well ? I don't like much fluffy kiwis, and there is hairs left all over them."

"Where is the razor ?"

"Will Veet do ?"

"Tomorrow be at my place at around 12pm, ok ?"

"12 pm ??! You mean, I have to get up BEFORE 12 ?????!!!!"

Playing Scrabble. She manages to invent a new word - "idine". Now imagine a movie-like voice :

"I-dine : new application for your I-phone."

"What the hell ?!"

"I would even allow myself to say, what the FUCK ?!"

"Представь, в Голливуде встречаю я Спилберга, и он меня приглашает на роль..."

"Динозавра ?"

"Нет !!! Ну хотя бы на роль ассистента..."

"Ассистента динозавра ?"

"Чакру тебе начистить ?"

"Ну представь, как здорово было бы, вырастила ты в горшке траву, скрутила..."

"Ага, а потом пришли тебя скрутили."

Ложимся на воду.

"Ну если водный мотоцикл будет слишком близко проезжать, то я унюхаю, конечно. А вот если акулка будет проплывать, то врядли."

"Скорее акулка нас унюхает."

"My ex used to say I've nice boobs. That was basically the only good thing about him - my boobs."

"Тону !!!"

"Та ни х*я ты не тонешь, мы на дне стоим."

"Давай отплывём, а то тут целый очаг морской флоры..."

"Если отплывём, нас морская фауна на водных мотоциклах переедет - вон она уже зигзаги вырисовывает."

Беседы о будущем...

"Нет, ну свекровь... Не знаю, не люблю я свекровей, в приципе. Наверное, отправлю её куда-нибудь подальше, в Техас, на ранчо..."

"Ну а если она будет такая добрая, хорошая мадам ?"

"Ну... будем навещать её тогда иногда... Привозить ей пресную воду. Книги там, по коневодству."


"You can count on me, buddy."

Foreign Flag

Dubai, June 2010

Nights are all different. We stay the same.

you make that dance look so new 

     and I'm in awe 

          a face like you've never seen 

               I'm yours tonight 

                    so come on 

                         light the stage 

                              so we can all take off 

                                   anywhere 

                                        we'll never come back, ever 

Pictures by Alisa Zykova and Scaenica

Alchemy

Dubai, June 2010

The sea pronounces something, over and over, in a hoarse whisper. I cannot quite make it out.

Annie Dillard

It's too late for appealing to common sense. Our hearts are drifting further and further away from the coast towards the alluring blinding sphere. We are too far gone.

Picture by Alisa G. With the author of the blog somewhere amidst splashes. 

Home

Dubai, June 2010

Everything is suddenly so clear, so pure, so simple. You hold your breath for a moment, then let it go. And you realize your heart is still beating. You stay up late, you wake up late, you slowly, step by step, sort everything out (whatever's still possible to sort), you randomly go outside at night to watch the fireworks, you drink freshly squeezed pineapple juice in liters and eat ice-cream in pots even though you caught a chill, you drive around and get stuck in every traffic jam imaginable, listening to music you used to love, you meet your old friends, build new memories, and then you just keep afloat in the sea until the last rays of incandescent sun sink under its glittery ruffling surface. Welcome home.

Nights

And here comes my everlasting, unchangeable anti-depressant... It's almost 2AM here. At home...

Right now, it's just that music of waves outside of my window. Those whispers of the slightest wind. The darkest, inky-blue sky with shiny dots of airplane lights and falling stars here and there. Apart from that, nothing else matters.

Picture by Musya Joenoes

"You Are Running Out Of Fuel"

Somewhere next to Paris, June 2010

and watching lovers part, I feel you smiling

glass splinters lie so deep in your mind

to tear out from your eyes, with a word to stiffen brooding lies

but I only watch you leave me further behind

and the sun drips down, bedding heavily behind

the front of your dress all shadowy lined

and the droning engine throbs in time

with your beating heart

"Can I drive ?"

"Your license is not valid in Europe, right ?"

"Even if it was, I don't have it on me now."

"Oh well... Sure. Drive."

Unforgiven

Dubai, December 2009

I would have shown you my home one day... Not the one built on mindless glitter and tacky splendor. Not the one created on someone's tears and ruined lives. The one I belong to. The sea. Its endlessness, its serenity, its blinding sparkles of hope, of love, of tenderness playing hide-and-seek behind the waves. Its darkest depth. I have a phobia when it comes to deep water, did you know ? No one will ever get the chance to get deeper than to that peaceful surface, lit by the sun. No one. There are too many secrets underneath. Too many fears, too much bitterness, too much sorrow. Too much truth.

The truth is, we are too scared to be alone. Especially when the night comes. It sort of wraps us in nostalgia, hysteria, our deepest, darkest thoughts, making us choke on what we used to see, used to love, used to value. The worst thing is, we are not even lost. The best thing is, we keep changing. And perhaps, perhaps one day we might get a chance to find those crumbs of innocence we've hidden so well. Nevertheless, the only truth is - we are unforgiven.

What have we done, tell me, what have we done ?...

Map Of The World

They laugh. They forget. They change. They explore. They argue. They accept. They move on. They refuse. They regret. They hate. They protect. They enjoy. They try. They complain. They pretend. They support. They encourage. They forgive. They trust. They love. They remember.

And no matter where they are...

"We're going to come and visit each other a lot, right ?"

"Of course."

"Like every week-end ?"

"Sure..."

"Like, one week-end you'll come over to your place, and the next one I'll go to my place..."

Silence.

"Er... I was planning to go to my place every night, actually."

"What were you guys doing ?"

"What can a man and a woman do in a locked room at 2 AM ?"

"Make love..."

"Oh yes. We had a passionate, almost wild intercourse with the legitimacy of the EU."

"No, I just want to fall in love once and for the rest of my life ! And let him be my one and only..."

"Yes, darling, I thought so too [married for the 5th time]."

"Non, franchement, cette fille, elle a besoin d'un mec... Ou, peut-être, même deux."

"I actually prefer drawing corpulent women. You know, at least there is something to draw."

"If ignorance is the best defense, I'm feeling protected from all angles for my next 3 years of uni."

"I've known you for freaking ages. I know everything about you, every single bloody detail !"

"Why are so annoyed ?"

"Because I just realized I actually know nothing."

"She's so innocent, that if she were the drug dealer, even frontier dogs would be touched at the very sight of her and let her go."

"You want coffee ?"

"Umm... Yeah, that wouldn't be bad..."

"Let me make you some tea then."

"J'ai grossi..."

"T'as grossi ?! Où ??!"

"Ici [pointing at her boobs]."

"...Et ça te dérange ???"

"Could you define love ?"

"It's all about giving. Giving, without asking for anything in return. It's about compassion, and care, and support when needed..."

"I said love, not a humanitarian mission."

"You're evil."

"Yes, and you're saying that after crashing my car."

"You're either a genius, or a complete and utter retard."

"Well, you're either an asshole or my husband."

"You know what's your problem ? You're too intelligent."

"Oh hi ! You're alive ?"

"No."

"I sat next to her expecting to cheat. But she didn't know shit !"

"Let's just say, her knowledge was not that... profound."

"You know what's really annoying me right now ? My brain just refuses to acknowledge the fact of its existence."

"Oh my, I'm so fucked... Oh, I'm so screwed... Oh man, this is not even remotely going to plan, not in a million years !"

"What's wrong ??"

"I have to leave in ten minutes and I don't have enough time to do my nails !"

"Best is, it actually makes sense !"

"It's 'cause you have a cool name without "Ys" and "Zs" and fucking stupid letters."

"Darling, save my life !!!!"

"God, what happened ?"

"Do you have a pencil sharpener ?"

"Couldn't you have chosen another night to commit suicide ? When it wasn't this windy at least ? Say, last week when it was 15 degrees ?"

"I was on holiday last week."

"...Fair enough."

"Honey, installing this program on your net-book would be like driving the hay around on a Maybach."

"I had this particular dream for ages now..."

"What is it ?"

"To hit somebody with a frying pan."

"Oh, oh, the boat is moving !"

"It's not. We're drunk."

"I would even quit smoking so that my hand is always free to hold his."

"You know what we were doing in the shower together ? Brainstorming for the exam."

"How can you combine such a masculine character with such a feminine appearance ?"

"I'm a hermaphrodite at heart."

"You know, you are like the Gothic queen of this castle. Eating cheese."

"Good to know I'm not like the Gothic queen of this castle, eating a hot-dog."

"Drat, we just passed out on that bed, and the moment we woke up there way this guy telling us to pay 70 euros for it, because apparently the room was private and... Don't touch the breakfast ! Don't touch it ! We'll have to pay more !!!"

"Imagine, before, in the 19th century, when women used to wear so many petticoats... It used to take ages to undress them !"

"I hate swearing, I never swear."

"Except when little kids take your place on the swing, then you curse like a trooper."

"I covered quite a flexible, I'd say even vast time-frame in my [45-minute] essay. From mesozoic era till the end of the Cold War."

"You look like a druggie."

"I enjoy giving the wrong impression."

"And you do it with perfection."

"Hey, come on, stop complaining ! I mean look, we just climbed the mountain !"

"Yeah, would be good to descend now."

"I think I'm in love..."

"Who is she ?"

"You know her. You see her every day, actually."

"Really ?? Where, at school ?"

"In the mirror."

"Je trouve que le Carré Noir a le rapport très fort avec la finance. Et surtout, avec la globalisation dans la société contemporaine."

"Ah oui, ah oui, je suis d'accord... Tout à fait, je vois très clairement ce que tu veux dire et je trouve que ton raisonnement est assez intéressant. Tu pourrais même faire le doctorat sur ça, tu sais ?"

"...Et tu sais que je note des citations comme ça, en effet ?"

"Bah, j'étais sûre !"

...From Dijon to Paris, to Barcelona, to Prague, to Moscow, to Kiev, to London, to New York City, to Brussels, to Nancy, to Cannes, to Monaco, to Menton, to Rome, to Milan, to Sofia, to Dnepropetrovsk, to Pittsburgh, to Boston, to Saint-Petersburg, to Warsaw, to Bucharest, to Toronto, to Los Angeles, to Montpelier, to Stuttgart, to Washington, to Berlin, to Geneva, to Beirut, to Montreal, to Bratislava, to Vienna, to Cairo, to Belgrade, to Tuscany, to Dubai...

...Remember What They Said

Sober

I hate to break you, wreck your heart and soul.

Yet time has come, too late.

Now let me go.

1/2 + 1/2

Paris, January 2010

The calendar says it's summer. But there is no sun. Often the weather sort of adapts to our mood, making us just numb enough to say goodbye without tears, tired enough to resist crying "don't go" out loud, apathetic enough to forget for a moment everything we might be recalling till the end afterwards...

I remember I used to play piano. I wouldn't even recall I wanted to try and play it again one day, before I was told that my old piano, the one that lived through everything with me, was already in Belgium, in my future apartment. He sent it without even asking me.

Perhaps, one day, I will give him the reason to feel proud again...