Aliens

There is nothing much to say. Let me simply introduce my childhood addiction, my complete and utter opposite, my insistent drug dealer, my loony, my half, my worst relation and my best friend - Alisa.

Our ranch in Texas... Don't ask.

Looking through our pictures together.

"Oh my goodness, what the HELL is wrong with my face ??"

Pause.

"...It's me."

Making brownies together. As soon as I get them out of the oven, she tries to steal one off, and I hit her with a scoop. She starts to whine and sigh wistfully every 3 seconds.

"I am sorry mamaaaa, I never meant to heart yooouuu, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight..."

"I'm eating your brownies in my closet."

Her mom calling her late at night.

"Mom ? What's up ?"

"I wasn't dialing YOU, why are you picking up ?"

"Oh, sorry."

"She's saying she can't come to your party tomorrow. She's really sorry about it."

"Oh, that's such a shame. It would be nice to hang out with someone adequate."

She pulls my ponytail.

"What's up ?"

"Nothing, it just hangs in a funny way."

She peels the kiwis, I cut them.

"Hey, can you wash them as well ? I don't like much fluffy kiwis, and there is hairs left all over them."

"Where is the razor ?"

"Will Veet do ?"

"Tomorrow be at my place at around 12pm, ok ?"

"12 pm ??! You mean, I have to get up BEFORE 12 ?????!!!!"

Playing Scrabble. She manages to invent a new word - "idine". Now imagine a movie-like voice :

"I-dine : new application for your I-phone."

"What the hell ?!"

"I would even allow myself to say, what the FUCK ?!"

"Представь, в Голливуде встречаю я Спилберга, и он меня приглашает на роль..."

"Динозавра ?"

"Нет !!! Ну хотя бы на роль ассистента..."

"Ассистента динозавра ?"

"Чакру тебе начистить ?"

"Ну представь, как здорово было бы, вырастила ты в горшке траву, скрутила..."

"Ага, а потом пришли тебя скрутили."

Ложимся на воду.

"Ну если водный мотоцикл будет слишком близко проезжать, то я унюхаю, конечно. А вот если акулка будет проплывать, то врядли."

"Скорее акулка нас унюхает."

"My ex used to say I've nice boobs. That was basically the only good thing about him - my boobs."

"Тону !!!"

"Та ни х*я ты не тонешь, мы на дне стоим."

"Давай отплывём, а то тут целый очаг морской флоры..."

"Если отплывём, нас морская фауна на водных мотоциклах переедет - вон она уже зигзаги вырисовывает."

Беседы о будущем...

"Нет, ну свекровь... Не знаю, не люблю я свекровей, в приципе. Наверное, отправлю её куда-нибудь подальше, в Техас, на ранчо..."

"Ну а если она будет такая добрая, хорошая мадам ?"

"Ну... будем навещать её тогда иногда... Привозить ей пресную воду. Книги там, по коневодству."


"You can count on me, buddy."